When we stand at the altar, beaming at the love of our life, we’re picturing the fairy tale. The laughter, the adventures, the cozy nights in. And those are all there, waiting for you. But what they don’t always show in the movies are the quiet Tuesday nights doing laundry, the disagreements over whose turn it is to take out the trash, and the stressful moments when life just gets… real.
A successful marriage isn’t about finding a perfect person. There’s no such thing. It’s about building a life with an imperfect person in an imperfect world, and choosing to love them through all of it. It’s a journey with breathtaking highs and challenging lows, sunny ups and rainy downs.
So, how do you build a marriage that doesn’t just survive, but thrives? It’s less about grand gestures and more about the small, daily habits of the heart. Let’s walk through this together, point by point.
Part 1: The Foundation Stones – The Big
Before we get into the “do’s and don’ts,” we have to lay the foundation. Without these three pillars, the house will struggle to stand.
1. Love as a Verb, Not Just a Feeling
We often think of love as this fluttery feeling in our stomachs. But that feeling comes and goes. Mature, lasting love is a choice you make every single day. It’s an action.
Love is making them a cup of coffee when you see they’re tired.
Love is listening to their long story about work, even when you’re not fully following.
Love is choosing to be kind when you feel like being right.
When you start treating love as something you do, you take back control. The feeling often follows the action.
2. Respect: The Non-Negotiable Currency
Respect is the oxygen of your marriage. Without it, love suffocates. This means respecting your partner:
As an individual: They have their own thoughts, dreams, and friends.
In public: Never, ever mock or belittle your partner in front of others. It’s a betrayal of your team.
In disagreement: You can disagree passionately without resorting to name-calling, eye-rolling, or sarcasm. Attacking their character during a fight is like throwing rocks at your own home.
3. Communication: The Bridge Between Two Hearts
This is the most talked-about skill for a reason. It’s not just about talking; it’s about connecting.
Talk with them, not at them: Put down the phone. Make eye contact. Have a real conversation.
Share the small stuff: “You won’t believe what I saw on my lunch break…” Sharing the mundane details builds intimacy.
Be a safe haven: Let your partner know they can tell you anything—their fears, their failures, their silly dreams—without judgment.
Part 2: The Do's – Nurturing Your Garden
Think of your marriage as a beautiful, delicate garden. These “do’s” are the water, sunlight, and care it needs to bloom.
- DO Make Your Partner a Priority.
Life gets busy. Careers, kids, chores—they all demand attention. But your spouse must be at the top of that list, not the bottom of the leftovers. Schedule date nights. Have a 15-minute daily check-in with no distractions. Show them, through your time and attention, that they are your number one. - DO Practice Active Listening.
This means listening to understand, not just to reply. When your partner is speaking, don’t already be formulating your counter-argument in your head. Listen to the words and the emotion behind them. Then, try reflecting back: “It sounds like you felt really overlooked in that meeting today.” This makes them feel truly heard and valued. - DO Appreciate the Little Things.
“Thank you for taking out the trash.” “I noticed you filled up my gas tank, that was so thoughtful.” “Dinner was delicious, thank you for cooking.” A simple “thank you” acknowledges the effort your partner puts into your shared life and prevents resentment from building. - DO Learn Their Love Language.
We all give and receive love differently. The five main “love languages” are:
Words of Affirmation (compliments, encouragement)
Acts of Service (doing helpful things)
Receiving Gifts (thoughtful tokens)
Quality Time (undivided attention)
Physical Touch (hugs, kisses, hand-holding)
If your language is “Acts of Service” but your partner’s is “Words of Affirmation,” you might be cleaning the whole house to show love while they are waiting for a heartfelt compliment. Learn their language and speak it often.
- DO Be a Team.
It’s not you vs. your partner. It’s you and your partner vs. the problem. Whether the problem is a financial stress, a difficult in-law, or a parenting disagreement, face it together. Use “we” language. “How are we going to handle this?” This builds a powerful sense of unity. - DO Forgive Freely and Quickly.
Holding onto grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. You will hurt each other—it’s inevitable. The key is to address it, talk it through, and then consciously choose to let it go. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself as much as your partner. - DO Keep the Intimacy Alive.
Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about the small touches—a hand on the shoulder, a hug when they walk in the door, cuddling on the couch. Make physical connection a regular, non-negotiable part of your life. It’s the glue that bonds you. - DO Grow Together.
The people you were when you got married will change. Support each other’s personal growth. Take a class together, pick up a shared hobby, or read the same book and discuss it. Choose to evolve together, so you don’t grow apart.
Part 3: The Don'ts – The Weeds to Pull Out
- DON’T Use the “D” Word (Divorce) as a Threat.
In the heat of an argument, never threaten to leave. It introduces a profound sense of insecurity and instability into the relationship. If you’ve committed to making it work, then argue within the safety of that commitment. - DON’T Keep Score.
“I did the dishes three times this week, you only did them once!” Marriage is not a 50/50 transaction. Some days, you’ll give 80%, and your partner will give 20%. Other days, it will be the reverse. Give 100% because you love them, not because you expect an equal return. - DON’T Assume They Can Read Your Mind.
Your partner is not a psychic. If you’re upset, tired, or need help, you have to use your words. Expecting them to just “know” what’s wrong or what you need is a recipe for disappointment and resentment. - DON’T Criticize Their Character.
There’s a huge difference between, “I felt hurt when you forgot to call,” and “You are so selfish and irresponsible!” The first addresses a behavior; the second attacks their very being. Always attack the problem, not the person. - DON’T Air Your Dirty Laundry in Public.
Venting to a close friend or family member about your marital problems can be tempting, but it often does more harm than good. It breeds disrespect and invites outsiders into your private sanctuary. If you need guidance, seek a professional counselor—a neutral third party. - DON’T Neglect Yourself.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. A successful marriage requires two whole, healthy individuals. Take care of your physical and mental health. Maintain your own hobbies and friendships. The best gift you can give your partner is a happy, fulfilled you. - DON’T Go to Bed Angry (But Sometimes, It’s Okay).
This is classic advice, but it’s not always practical. Sometimes, at 2 AM, you’re both exhausted and not thinking clearly. It’s okay to say, “I love you, this is important, but let’s sleep on it and talk in the morning when we’re fresh.” The key is to commit to resolving it, not just ignoring it. - DON’T Stop Having Fun!
In the grind of adult life, it’s easy to forget to be silly together. Have tickle fights. Have a dance party in the kitchen. Watch a stupid movie and laugh until you cry. Never lose the joy and friendship that brought you together in the first place.
Conclusion: It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint
Be patient with each other. Be each other’s biggest fan and safest place to fall. Keep watering your garden, pulling the weeds, and remember to stop and admire the flowers you’ve grown together.
It’s the greatest adventure you’ll ever have.
